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Joke of the Day

"They should make realistic pregnancy test commercials. 2 best friends in a bathroom praying for a neg & celebrating w a shot & a happy dance"

"It seems like I only lose weight when I don't buy ice cream. Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?"

"Why is singing like autoerotic asphyxiation? Because sometimes you just gotta belt it out"

"When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mum said, ""Just use a fcuking spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."""

"I was going to go to Psychic School... ...But I couldn't afford the intuition fee."

"What's the difference between a retard and a baby? The baby has a soul."

"Well... cats clean themselves... and we *are* out of toilet paper..."

"If you're appraching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower."

"What do you call a fruit that procrastinates? ...A Cramberry!"

"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys."