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Joke of the Day

"EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this? Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese."

"Well r/boobs is still working fine!"

"(nsfw)A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says, ""I hope the porn is disabled."" The guy at the desk replies, ""It's just regular porn you sick fuck."""

"Contrary to popular belief, it's actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress"

"My door bell rang this morning. I didn't even know it had a phone."

"Would you like to buy a second-hand computer? I'm afraid not. I'm only able to type with one hand as it is."

"Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you're raising a child now."

"A brunette tells her blonde friend that she can finally say that she's slept with a Brazilian. The blonde looks shocked and says, ""OMG, how many is a Brazilian???"

"Do you know why police dogs are called K9? Well, because if they used ""K10"", they'd be cats."

"My friend started jogging so he'd live longer. He got hit by a bus and died the next day."