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Joke of the Day

"Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you're raising a child now."

"My husband suffers in silence louder than any person I know"

"Just finished my Sexual Violence Prevention and Awareness Training. It was very informative and I feel much safer. Plus I totally raped the quiz at the end, 100%."

"What's a mobster porn actress called? Sunny Corleone!"

"What is Hillary Clintons favorite type of footwear? flip-flops"

"[Lab] Co-worker: ""Where's all the microscope oil and acetic acid?"" Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno."

"Have you heard the joke about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?"

"""that's the power of German engineering"" is a great slogan for your product if you're selling fear"

"Did you haer about the dyslexic insomniac atheist? He would spend all night long awake thinking about whether or not there was a dog."

"My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. ""To fight the Decepticons,"" I said. She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster."