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Joke of the Day

"If a girl texts you back ""k"" check all your previous messages to see where you fu*ked up."

"Why couldn't Batman go fishing? Because Robin ate the worms."

"What do you do if you come across a lion in the jungle? Wipe it off and apologise"

"I'm giving up alcohol for a month. Wait sorry, that didn't come out right : I'm giving up. Alcohol for a month."

"This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier? Put a toy for babies on its tail. YES"

"The consensus after the election is that 100% of Americans think 50% of Americans have lost their minds."

"How do you get an Asian to crash their car? Make the windshield full screen"

"You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption. Tomato, Tomahto Get in the van."

"Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy .... .... I hear you ask."

"Hi mom, we shot the new Hobbit movie today. I'm orc #56, the one accidentally wearing a watch. The director was really mad."