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Joke of the Day

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."

"""I really regret not taking up bow hunting"" I think as my neighbor fires up his chainsaw at first light."

"What's the difference between when you're hungry and when you're horny Where you put the cucumber."

"RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn't have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur."

"Science has proven that everyone thinks about David Hasselhoff at least once while they masturbate. Don't believe me? Just wait until later."

"Anytime my 6 yr old daughter replies with 'What?', there's always that split second where I fight my urge to start quoting Pulp Fiction."

"If the camera adds 10 lbs. & Mirrors don't lie..Why in the World would a Woman ever take her picture in the bathroom mirror? It defies logic"

"I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto"

"If I ran the world, I would enforce a police state where everyone would have to weigh-in before being allowed to order food."

"Guys are probably not very good at Yoga, mainly because every move for them would be called "" The uncomfortable Sausage"""