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Joke of the Day

"*Orders pizza* What a night *Phone buzzes* And a text? Killing it *checks phone* ok that was the pizza confirmation but still cruising"

"Why can't Michael Jackson play chess? Because he's dead."

"I made a couple mistakes during puberty I dropped the ball two times during it."

"What do you call violence in the kitchen? Assault and pepper"

"Being an adult is like being a Quentin Tarantino movie: it starts out real cool, there's lots of cursing, it's very confusing, everyone dies"

"I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I'll look before I lie down on the couch."

"The Proclaimers walked 500 miles without a Fitbit?"

"Why doesn't the Kentucky Fried Chicken use toilet paper? It's finger licking good."

"Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful [2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit"

"What does Garfield like in his bed? Pussy"