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Joke of the Day

"One time, I broke my iPhone and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person I don't like to talk about it"

"How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it"

"How many guys in IT does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to identify that the lightbulb has indeed burned out, and one to call the maintenence man to change the lightbulb."

"Me: we're throwing a surprise party for Tim Wife: don't you hate Tim? Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes"

"Everyday, I brush my teeth & say ""That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube."" Then everyday, I do."

"It would suck to be named Will in the army. ""Fire at Will"""

"Why did the bank robber go to the chiropractor? Because he had a crook in his neck."

"Guys, I think I found the Cure to Aids! It requires having a Magic Johnson."

"What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? Mittens. Just joking, im not sure what he got, hasn't opened his gift yet"

"Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution."