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Joke of the Day
"Why did the angel lose her job? She had harp failure."
Next Joke
"I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out... I say bought I actually stole it off a short fat, ginger kid"
"No thanks, cosmetics lady. I'm years past 'bare & natural'. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you'd need to prep & refinish a wall."
"What do the chronically late have in common with sex traffickers? They both ""run behind""."
"Have you ever tried eating a clock? I don't recommend it, it's quite time consuming."
"You know what really grinds my gears? Friction"
"People ask me questions like I'm listening"
"Why couldn't Beethoven find his teacher? Because he was Haydn."
"My grandfather's holocaust stories aren't half as depressing as the contestant interview segment on Jeopardy."
"95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics."