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Joke of the Day

"9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund."

"My new girlfriend wants to meet my dad But I do too."

"[normal life] ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week [packing for vacation] hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats...32 shirts"

"What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have? Rep-tiles."

"When I start to panic about the Trump presidency I remember that we are on a rock floating around a fireball and I panic about that instead."

"When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days."

"Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years? Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then."

"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you."

"Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that."

"Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film ""Back to the Future II"" showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we've got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars."