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Joke of the Day

"9 just turned the toaster all the way up and basically made charcoal for breakfast, so I'm ordering new furniture with his college fund."

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"My new girlfriend wants to meet my dad But I do too."
"[normal life] ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week [packing for vacation] hmmm. i'll prob change a few times a day so thats...32 shirts"
"What kind of floor do dinosaurs' bathrooms have? Rep-tiles."
"When I start to panic about the Trump presidency I remember that we are on a rock floating around a fireball and I panic about that instead."
"When I was a little kid, I had this friend that was always counting. I wonder what he's up to these days."
"Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years? Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then."
"Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I'm very disappointed with all of you."
"Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you're crossing a border. Then don't do that."
"Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film ""Back to the Future II"" showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we've got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars."