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Joke of the Day

"[at work] CW: Hey, I found your Twi... Me: *jumps out window* CW: ...Twinkies."

"A blowfly walks into a bar.... And asks ""Is this stool taken?"""

"Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn't even hallucinate one time."

"At least in 4 years we'll be able to look back at this election with 2020 vision."

"Judging from what most terrifies my cats, when the apocalypse comes it will be heralded by a great rustling of plastic grocery bags."

"[Inventing Cotton Candy] What if insulation was delicious?"

"I used to have sex daily... Then Reddit taught me it was just dyslexia... Edit: Holy donkey balls this blew up during my daily 8 hour nap. Thanks everyone for making my New Years.."

"What does Mr. Kipling do in his spare time? Pumps cream into tarts."

"Stealing candy from your kids is awesome... ...because you can justify your actions by stating that candy is not healthy for them. It's a win-win."

"What did the conspiracy theorist use as his breakup line? Baby, I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who's as real as the Moon landing..."