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Joke of the Day

"Judging from what most terrifies my cats, when the apocalypse comes it will be heralded by a great rustling of plastic grocery bags."

"People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!"

"My tree went missing..... so I took a picture of it and nailed it to a dog."

"I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing."

"How do you get a nun pregnant? You fuck her!"

"My track record as an adult is mostly false starts, hurdles and running around in a circle."

"My girlfriend once told me she was pregnant. I was so excited that I ran to another country and have never seen her from then."

"Know what OBGYN stands for? OBGYN: Oh Boy! Got You Naked!"

"PEOPLE OF THE PLANE LISTEN TO ME WHEN THE SEATBELT LIGHT GOES OFF STAND UP IMMEDIATELY OR YOUR SPOT IN THE NON-MOVING LINE WON'T BE ASSURED"

"What's the difference between being horny and being hungry? Where you put the cucumber"