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Joke of the Day

"It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco."

"I like my women like I like my microwaves... Cold on the outside, warm on the inside, and willing and able to kill any baby I put inside them."

"What do you call Charlie Sheen's brother if he were a financial advisor? Emilio Investevez. Fun game/running joke friends in college used to play. Wondering if Reddit would enjoy the game too."

"LPT: When Googling ""grandfather clock"" don't forget the L."

"If you were a stand-up comic, and you're doing a show for a family at a funeral. What would you're opening line be? Like outrageous, dark, funny whatever let's hear!"

"What do you call the baseball team made out of Pokemon? The New York Mankeys!"

"What's the difference between a dog and a cat? If a cat were big enough it would eat you."

"What did the caterpillar say to the cocoon after he broke out? Moth."

"Grow it out for the summer Nice one liner I thought of today- What do you think? Should I grow my wrists out for the summer? Or cut them now?"

"What's the difference between a Jew and a Muslim? Barack Obama is not a Jew. We think."