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Joke of the Day

"It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco."

"My right eye is twitching like it's at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn't invited to."

"What do you call a Black Jew? .....a menorah-tee."

"If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me."

"Premature Ejokeulation What do you call it when someone puts the punchline to a joke in the title?"

"I like to lie down on the top of a hill, then tumble down to the bottom. That's just the way I roll."

"I hate using abbreviations idk y i h8 it doe"

"Friend: All I want for Christmas is a new blender Me: Wouldn't you rather have your life together?"

"So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today: 6lb11oz! Which is not the name I'd have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times."

"When I moved to LA I moved in with the HOTTEST chick... But she found out I was living there and called the police."