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Joke of the Day

"5-year-old daughter: I don't like my princess shoes with the heels. Me: Do they hurt your feet? 5-year-old: I can't run from zombies."

"He asked what my favorite position was... I said CEO"

"Asians are such bad drivers.. I'm beginning to think Pearl Harbor was an accident."

"Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the street? One was a salted."

"Why do monks wear such plain clothes? It's a habit."

"My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has ""other pedicures to do"" and doesn't ""speak English""."

"[interrogation] ""Where were you on the night of the 5th?"" ""Dealing drugs."" ""Louder for the tape?"" [leans in] ""Healing pugs. I'm a pug vet."""

"What did the bra say to the hat? ""I've got these two covered, you go on a head."""

"""Rogue One"" idea: The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander. Boldly - regally - he strides into the room. ""Mesa Jar-Jar Binks"""

"I don't understand. I've stared at you from a distance multiple times throughout the year. How'd you not know I was in love with you?"