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Joke of the Day

"Clear before beer, and your clear to steer... into other cars or near by pedestrians killing them and or yourself so don't fucking drink and drive you fucking moron!"

"I like my coffee the way I like my women... ... Pale and weak."

"Selling weed Get rich or high trying"

"A friend said he couldn't come to my party because he has diarrhea. I don't believe him, I think he's full of shit."

"[Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes?"

"A man knocked on my door this morning, asking for a small donation towards the local swimming pool... So I gave him a glass of water."

"I was sitting on an automatic toilet yesterday and it flushed underneath me before I was done. Scared the shit outta me."

"To the person who stole my Microsoft Office. I will take it back. You have my Word."

"Why did the crayon want to be a phone? Because it wanted to be a texta."

"my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy"