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Joke of the Day

"[Sky-diving] INSTRUCTOR: pull your shute! ME: my shoe? INSTRUCTOR: your parachute! ME: my pair of shoes? [later] CORONER: where's his shoes?"

"When my husband brags that girls hit on him at work, I just remind him that I make more money than him. We both go to bed happy."

"People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there's faster ways to commit suicide?"

"I would tell you a joke about my penis... ...but it's too long."

"I looked into a blonde's eyes but all I saw was the back of her head!"

"Why are most Muslims broke all the time? They never understood the concept of piggy banks."

"How did Harry Potter get down the hill? -Walking. -JK, Rowling"

"I just read a book about Bipolar Disorder. One hand I liked it and sent it to everyone I know, on the other hand I burned it and my house down."

"Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!"

"My parenting book would be just a series of ""Shhh"" with different lengths and punctuation for various occasions."