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Joke of the Day

"When your parents held you as a baby for the first time, they secretly hoped you'd end up arguing with strangers on a celebrity's Instagram."

"Farrah Fawcett's last wish was for all the children in the world to be safe, then Michael Jackson died."

"I believe what politicians say about as much as I believe the person who says, ""I never got that text."""

"Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen? To draw blood."

"You know you're a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you. Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me."

"They say real girls ain't never perfect, perfect girls ain't never real."

"My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, ""How old are you?"" I said, ""I'm five."" He said, ""When I was your age I was six."""

"What did the ship captain say when his son learned to float ? That's my buoy !"

"What pier is disliked by almost everybody? Piers Morgan."

"[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt] ""No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon"""