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Joke of the Day

"My friend and I were talking about food and he said ""I'm not a big Chinese guy"" and I was like ""I know you're not"""

"My friend called me a pedophile today. I corrected him, told him I'm actually a hebephile. He said, ""you're just splitting hairs"" I said, ""now you see the difference""."

"Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it's ""disturbing"" & I ""need to leave yoga,"" or ""at least wait til I'm off the treadmill"""

"Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We'll tell you about it in 2 days. - Local News"

"I Want To Be Pampered! Actually, any brand will do."

"I hate working with Jewish fishermen. They always ask me: ""What's your net worth?"""

"Took and Ambien and a Viagra at the same time again. Im finding it hard to sleep."

"Him: I like powerful women. Me: Gotcha. *dresses up as a rhino*"

"Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I'm chubby."

"Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you'd be ready to discuss it when you woke up."