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Joke of the Day

"[Calls Ex-Girlfriend] Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving."

"Got busted for shoplifting once in Canada and had to deal with their whole irritating Good Cop/Great Cop routine."

"What's the difference between jokes and dicks? My girlfriend doesn't laugh at my jokes. *edited for spelling: ""Mr"" instead of ""my""*"

"What does a cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend? He wipes his ass"

"*makes typo* *deletes tweet* *deletes twitter* *deletes life*"

"Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me."

"My Dad died recently, but unfortunately I slept in and missed the funeral I guess I'm not a mourning person"

"Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers"

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl urinate? Because of the silent P."

"If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder."