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Joke of the Day

"Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me."

"Roses are red, violets are blue Vodka is cheaper than dinner for two"

"Girl I work with says to me, ""Why dont you like Taylor Swift? Shes awesome!"". Because I knew she was trouble when she walked in."

"My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard... It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!"

"Doctor Care to his patients. Doctor: ""I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."" Patient: ""What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"" Doctor: ""Nine."""

"I used to be into sadism, necrophilia, and bestiality... ...but then I realized I was just beating a dead horse."

"Sure I'll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick."

"I don't friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we're dating."

"What do you call the corner of the market that specializes in philosophy? A Nietzsche market!"

"This orange does not taste right... I think I'm gonna put it back in the crayon box."