96884

Joke of the Day

"My friend likes to make carvings of people of religion in his spare time. You'd like a punchline to this, wooden jew."

"In general my philosophy is do whatever you want if it doesn't hurt people and it's not two spaces after a period."

"Imagine being the sound guy when Drake's rapping about doing it all on his own with no help. He must be like ""wow um oook?"""

"I know the best way to get downvoted. I'll tell you if someone gives me gold!"

"The people who post to /r/jokes have zero sense of humor... Maybe it's a weird meta-humor thing....or maybe this is where everyone's creepy uncle hangs out"

"For Christmas this year, I decided to go all out and ask Santa for something black and shiny and will go 0 to 300 in 2 seconds. I got a scale."

"My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a web developer."

"I the shell off a snail yesterday... you'd think it would move faster, but it was really kinda sluggish."

"General Contractor: Don't worry ma'am, everything will be ready, we'll have the scaffolding set up and erected. Me: *mutes phone* hahahahaha"

"""If all your friends jumped"" 'Yes' ""But if they"" 'Yes' ""But"" 'IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?"