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Joke of the Day

"Remember to make short sighted assumptions and rash decisions with almost no information today."

"[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll] Are you sure you're ok?"

"*turns TV off* ""THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!"" - me every time I watch Toy Story 3"

"If someone acts shocked that you haven't read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, ""Yeah, I heard it sucks"""

"At the bus stop ""Wow, the boy over there is ugly."" - ""That's my Son!"" - ""Oh sorry, I did not know that you are the father"" - **""I am his mother!""**"

"Why did the Mexican put hot sauce on his taco? Por flavor"

"I like my women like I like my golf score Mid eighties and with slight handicap."

"Why does the NSA hate the winter? They got snowed in."

"DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this? *takes you out several times then acts distant*"

"Why did the Jedi cross the road? To get to the dark side."