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Joke of the Day

"""I never spit on the ground"" ""because it's the only one that always supports me"" ""wow, that's a deep thought"" *""ptoo""* ""AAH! MY EYE!"""

"[interview at Bass Pro Shops] So, tell me a little about yourself. Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!"

"I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey."

"Are you a rollercoaster? *motions hands to be about a foot long* cuz im this tall to ride"

"If you are what you eat... *Well then you are an asshole* *A lot of you are pussies* *And some of you are cats* *A few of you are dogs* *And I'm a penny...*"

"GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie ME: ... G: Only u didn't give it to me M: [nervously adjusting thong] I'm having an affair"

"A mother called the police on her 6 month old baby for not taking a nap. He was resisting a rest."

"What is Macauley Culkins favorite salad dressing? Neverland Ranch."

"Autocorrect is a great feature... but it can also be your worst enema."

"TIL that 4/20 is Hitler's birthday. The jews definitely got baked today."