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Joke of the Day

"Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM's to go public. I'm just kidding, don't do that shit. We'd kill you."

"Always tweet as if your unfollowers are watching."

"Knock Knock Who's there ? Closure ! Closure who ? Closure mouth when you eat !"

"To avoid butterflies in your stomach, don't eat caterpillars."

"Yo mama so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals."

"Don't talk to me about your drinking problems until you've tried to make your cat wear your contact lenses because he looked a bit squinty."

"If you ask me, NASCAR would be much more entertaining if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans."

"A pirate joke kind of day. What do pirates and pimps have in common? They both say ""YO HO!"" and walk with a limp!"

"I'm less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring."

"What does Lenin say when he his angry? I will hit you so hard that it will leave a Marx."