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Joke of the Day

"""What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me"" -guy who invented sports"

"Judging by this line at Costco it doesn't look like I'll ever see my family again. Sweet."

"What's the definition of a good buddy? [NSFW] A guy that goes into town and gets two blow jobs. Then comes back and gives you one."

"*puts seashell up to ear* Me: I think I can hear the ocea- Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days. Me: (to friend) It's for you."

"every fight is a food fight... ...when you're a cannibal."

"I lost the 120 lbs that were weighing me down really fast with one simple trick Divorce."

"When my kids come to me with problems I just tell them to watch Full House until they find an episode dealing with their issue."

"If you're a necrophiliac... is it called wallpapering the coffin?"

"Isn't it so weird when you're thinking about someone and then they suddenly appear?... Anyway, my sister in law just caught me masturbating."

"Wrote ""I wanna rock!"" on every answer to this Geology test and they made me a tenured professor with a beard and an Indiana Jones hat."