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Joke of the Day

"Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters"

"Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle."

"911: What's you're emergency? ME: You mean ""your""? 911: OK. So..? ME: Someone's murdering me 911: You mean ""murdered"" ME:.. 911: [dial tone]"

"Who likes debates Defish"

"What do you call an expert on fishing hooks and lures? A master baiter"

"Dear Short guy at the gym who's really fucking jacked. I don't think your goal should be to grow wider, little buddy..."

"Hmmm,,,, Tell me more about this ""victim"" role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself."

"GOD: I call them Water Buffalo ANGEL: But they live on land GOD: Yep ANGEL: GOD: ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u GOD: Not a bit"

"Beyonce should have her own trampoline company."

"I told my parents that I wanted to be a comedian for a living and they laughed at me I guess I'm off to a good start"