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Joke of the Day

"911: What's you're emergency? ME: You mean ""your""? 911: OK. So..? ME: Someone's murdering me 911: You mean ""murdered"" ME:.. 911: [dial tone]"

"I've officially started crossing my sevens when I write them. It's a fun, easy way to distract myself from the fact that I'll be dead soon!"

"""You don't have to press the buttons harder to go faster"" Said no gamer ever."

"My ceiling fan has 3 settings: 1. Very slow 2. Slow 3. I'm about to detach from the ceiling and kill you in a freak ceiling fan accident"

"After being fired Donald Trump went to collect his last paycheck from NBC but HR wasn't sure who toupee"

"Have you heard about the recent discovery about that moon of Jupiter? Although it is very exciting, astronomers maintain that its Loki."

"How to handle a one night stand the next morning 1. Put on Titanic 2. He's gone, that's it"

"Who is ant man's worst enemy? Raid"

"Never judge Darth Vader's parenting abilities harshly when we live in a world where Toddlers In Tiaras exists."

"You gotta hand it to short people. Because their arms can't reach."