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Joke of the Day

"I would like to thank the kind stranger I met on the bus this morning for teaching me the meaning of the word 'abundance'. It means a lot."

"HER: I have something I want to tell u ME: me too HER: *smiles coyly* same time? ME: sure HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO- ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD"

"Where did Jessica go after the explosion? Everywhere"

"Are you a cat because you're purrrrrrfect."

"Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked C: I know, right? They make us say it like that"

"Netflix reminds me of my girlfriend Probably because it's constantly asking me if I'm still here. Or maybe because it's not a real human being."

"Yesterday Bill Clinton called Hillary, ""the ablest person I've ever worked with."" Well, I can see why he's a hit with the ladies."

"What does a red neck divorce and a burning meth lab have in common? Someone's losing a trailer. Edit: Because I fucked up."

"Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: not ripe Avocado: I'M RIPE NOW Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted"

"Boy: ""Isn't the principal a dummy!"" Girl: ""Say, do you know who I am?"" Boy: ""No."" Girl: ""I'm the principal's daughter."" Boy: ""And do you know who I am?"" Girl: ""No,"" Boy: ""Thank god!"""