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Joke of the Day

"In college a dirty $20 bill tried to have sex with me. I didn't have a condom so I declined because you never want to get Financial AIDS."

"which is the Beyonce song where it's like we're independent but also you should marry us but like we're super-strong but also pay our bills"

"What's the difference between a drunk driver and a stoned driver? The drunk driver runs the stop sign. The stoned driver waits for it to turn green."

"*showing mom how to use her phone* What's the blue button with the bird? THAT BUTTON GIVES YOUR BANK INFO TO TERRORISTS NEVER TOUCH IT!!!!"

"My wife recently broke up with me because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about is how to win her back."

"I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy."

"1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice"

"The only thing we can anticipate about Nelson Mandela's condition is that his rap discography is about to skyrocket in the charts."

"Can't get a woman? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving ""this doesn't work"" and ""I'm bleeding to death""."

"How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is Secretly A Minivan"