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Joke of the Day

"Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming."

"What do you get when you cross 2 ducks and a match? Fire Quackers"

"Boys, save your Bottle Caps Trump just became president."

"My friend died today... He wasn't able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I'll cherish it forever."

"People can be so fucking rude when they catch you listening in on their conversation."

"I have a ""One dollar, one inch"" rule with the ladies: you give me a dollar, you get an inch. You give me three dollars, you get it all."

"Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice."

"Mobile tweeting with 3% battery is a lot like the band playing while the titanic sank"

"What's the temperature inside a tauntaun? Luke warm."

"My girlfriend just text me, 'thespacebuttonisbrokenonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative' Anybody know what 'ternative' means?"