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Joke of the Day

"""When I learned how to edit videos I felt like the Flash..."" Friend: ""Why, because you fast learner?"" Me: ""No, because I fucked up the timeline."""

"Why is it never hot in churches? Because it's prayer conditioned. I'll leave now...."

"What do you call a dwarf psychic who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large."

"Facebook is telling me to ""reconnect"" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday"

"What's the difference between a rabbit on a treadmill and a rabbit with a carrot stuck up its nose? One is a fit bunny and the other is a bit funny"

"So, a girl was giving me a handjob... and I told her to stop because she was rubbing me the wrong way."

"My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally."

"If you're American before you go in the bathroom and American after you leave the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom? European"

"1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs."

"Technology has made it so much easier to complain about technology."