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Joke of the Day

"So, a girl was giving me a handjob... and I told her to stop because she was rubbing me the wrong way."

"Judge: and how does the defendant plead Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn't do any crimes* Judge: HAH do it again"

"Guy: Are you pregnant? Me: No, I'm a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS. Guy: ..... Me: Cowabunga, douche!"

"Sometimes I think I am a bad mother because I don't like wine."

"Why did a man name his legless dog, Cigarette? Cause he had to take him out for a drag every night."

"What do you call a frog in the no parking zone? Toad"

"If you took the tartness out of a lime and later put it back would the lime be retarted? Yes...yes it would..."

"How many cancer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? One, and ten people to stand around clapping and saying ""Aww, how brave."""

"You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they'll spell it."

"The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me."