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Joke of the Day

"Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you're continuing to send tweets."

"Lightbulb replacement..... How many black women does it take to change a lightbulb? All of them-----no one wants to be the charcoal-colored one."

"I asked my wife.. ""what would you do if I won the lottery?"" She replied, "" I would take half and leave you."" I said, ""good I won $12. Here's $6, now fuck off."""

"So embarrassed... ...thought sombody cute was staring at me so i stared back. But then i realized we were both just the negative space around a vase"

"One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger."

"My friend Dave told me this joke about Hillary Clinton yesterday... I was just wondering if anyone here has heard from him?"

"As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, 'With or Without You' starts to play. ""U2, Brutus?"" He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away."

"HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps"

"Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn't make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close."

"What is Laziness? Logical Answer It is the Art of Taking Rest Before Getting Tired."