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Joke of the Day

"I asked my wife.. ""what would you do if I won the lottery?"" She replied, "" I would take half and leave you."" I said, ""good I won $12. Here's $6, now fuck off."""

"""You know the newest cars drive themselves. And they found that by turning an equal amount left and right, you end up going straight."" ""I swear, officer."""

"ME: isn't this great?? WIFE: not really ME: *looks down from the top bunk* what's wrong"

"What do you call a drunk blue hedgehog? Gin and sonic."

"As a male, I enjoy watching POV porn where the guy recording is black so I can imagine that I have an enormous vertical leap."

"""911, what's your emergency?"" Hi i need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now."

"2 prostitutes are standing on a corner One looks to the other and says ""you ever been picked up by the fuzz"" The other says ""No, but I have been swung around by the tits"""

"Did you hear about the guy from Alabama who tried to fuck a clock? He heard time was relative."

"What do you call a missing psychic midget? A small medium at large."

"Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled ""Maybe it's not us, it's you..."""