90510

Joke of the Day

"As I was leaving home to start a new life for myself across the country my mom said"" Don't forget to write!"" I thought ""That's unlikely... It's a basic skill,isn't it?"""

"So many fun things to say.....too many relatives on Facebook to post!!"

"ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed Me: did it look cool tho"

"Knock Knock Knock! Knock! -Who's there? Hanna. -Hanna who? Hanna partridge in a pear tree"

"Sometimes, watching Spanish language TV is like dating. I can only understand every third word they say, but the boobs. Dios mio, the boobs!"

"Goodnight moon. Goodnight stars. Goodnight 4,000-year-old Earth. Goodnight dinosaur fossils that were put here to test our faith."

"If The Lego Movie is about anything other than parents walking around and cursing after stepping on Legos, it's not based on a true story."

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you happy to see me? Both! Now get in the fucking van."

"QA Manager: And what is the protocol when an aircraft comes inbound with a suspected Ebola case? ""WTF. Planes can catch this shit too?"""

"Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don't know what I'm gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It's a mystery"