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Joke of the Day

"[time travels to 1941 Berlin to kill Hitler] Damn I should've learned German [looks down at American flag bodysuit] This was also a bad idea"

"ISIS is taking back territory after a surprise turn of events. Their new partnership with Samsung is quickly paying off"

"So I saw Cuba Gooding Jr. at my local Walmart He was comparing Old Spice Sport to Old Spice Original Scent when I slapped those bottles out of his hand and told him, ""No soap, Radio."""

"Mary was in the prophet making business"

"A magnet walks into a bar...., what does he order? Nothing... he's still stuck to the entrance."

"How often does the vampire go down on his wife? Periodically"

"How do you weigh a hipster? In Instragramm"

"Way too young My friend just updated his status to ""I love my girlfriend <3"". I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous."

"Be the change you're looking for between the couch cushions."

"Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like"