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Joke of the Day

"When I die, can you do me a favor and tell my wife that I loved her? Thanks. Oh and delete my tweets. My password is thisbitchiskillingme."

"Advice to the worm Sleep in late!"

"What's the difference between a cow and 9/11? You stop milking a cow after 10 years"

"Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him"

"Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it's so hard to read I should really find a pen"

"Schrodinger's cat walks into a bar and doesn't."

"What happens when Turkeys get the common cold? They quit smoking."

"start out every morning with positive thoughts then put them in a pile and light them on fire to speed shit up"

"How to capitalize on a bad situation. ON A BAD SITUATION"

"When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date."