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Joke of the Day

"*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* ""Wait. Then that means-"" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]"

"I just started a new band called 'Blankets and Duvets' We've already been called the best cover band of all time"

"Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting. Until you realize you live alone."

"Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I'm pretty sure she'll figure out that I'm just after my money."

"After tonight's World Series game... It looks like the Indians are going to have a different type of trail of tears."

"Whoa whoa whoa. Stand down, nipples. It's just a little chilly weather, nothing to get excited about."

"Caught in the act My wife walked in on me masturbating to a picture of an optical illusion I said ""Darling.. it's not what it looks like"""

"Did you hear about the word that's changed in the dictionary? It means to make or become different."

"Find a penny Pick it up & all the day You'll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection ..."

"I wanted to drive to the shop to buy some guacamole I didn't avocado"