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Joke of the Day

"*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* ""Wait. Then that means-"" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]"

"How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator"

"Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're all dead"

"Mechanic: what seems to be the problem? Me: nice try buddy, that's what I'm paying you for"

"Im half scotch. And i dont mean scottish."

"How do trees encourage one another? They say ""I'm rooting for you"""

"Watch I was walking down the street one night and a guy came up to me and said, ""Can I piss on your wrist?"" I said, ""Not on my watch"""

"I heard my lawnmower was going on a rampage... It was going on a *grass*acre [Grass acre, grass massacre](#spoiler)"

"Q: Where does an Irish person go on a vacation? A: A new bar"

"Why british wete at war with nazi germany? Because they couldnt afford another Aryans stealing their tea."