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Joke of the Day

"Vanna White's birthday is today... Pretty soon she'll be getting to the age where she has trouble with her vowel movements."

"Wife [walking into house]: Ummm.. Me: [recreating ""You Better Shape Up Scene"" from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You're home early."

"Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns? Because when he was young, the Joker's father said ""Let's put a simile on that face!"""

"Where do impoverished Italians live? In the spaghetto"

"A terrorist walks into a pet store and says ""You have 5 minutes to get out of here...I'm going to blow myself up."" Tortoise : Dafuq :-/"

"The British Pound? You mean the British Ounce."

"Just bought animal crackers and a kayak. I hate you Costco."

"*horror movie ""The calls are coming from inside the house!"" ""Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I'm too lazy to get up."""

"Shout-out to my arms For always being by my side"

"I planned on watching the super bowl tomorrow, but... My inflatable couch doesn't have enough air in it."