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Joke of the Day

"Episodes 4, 5, and 6 of Star Wars came before episodes 1, 2, and 3... ...because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was."

"[Drug deal] How do I know you're not a cop -If I was a cop would I do this? *Starts breakdancing* Thats not as much proof as you think it is"

"What did the old billy bobs eat at McDonald's? McChicken-killer... Yeah I'm really stoned smoked a chicken killer and ate McDonald's"

"HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy ME: i'm on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire HIM: i meant like- ME: everyone claps"

"Ask a lawyer what 2 + 2 is... Ask a lawyer what 2+2 is he'll say 5 Ask an engineer and he'll say 4 Ask an accountant and he'll look right back at you and say ""what do you want"""

"A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed"

"I don't care if you're here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house."

"A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they're useful messages. Like ""remember you have yoga at 6 tonight"""

"Why does Karl Marx only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft!"

"Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time."