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Joke of the Day

"If you took the tartness out of a lime and later put it back would the lime be retarted? Yes...yes it would..."

"Dad i know I'm adopted Hi adopted, I'm not dad"

"What do you call a fisherman who could bait a hook blindfolded, upside down with one hand tied behind his back? A masturbator"

"20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope, and no Jobs. Please, do not let Kevin Bacon die. Source: The Bluegrass Grill and Bakery in Charlottesville, VA."

"(i walk up to the counter at subway) hey hows it goin? (i rest my foot on the sneeze guard thing and it slams shut on the guys hands) my bad"

"What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? Doug"

"Do you know why Petyr's last name is Baelish? Because he is the liege of Baes. ^I'll ^see ^^myself ^^out."

"Fire alarms should just play Nickelback Anyone who stays in the building deserves what they get."

"I should've been a child star so I could've gotten all my working out of the way and been an accomplished drug addict by now."

"When writing your calculus exam, make sure you don't sit between twins. Because you might not be able to differentiate between them."