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Joke of the Day

"Drop what you're doing right now and go take a look at tonight's moon in the iPhone weather app. Gorgeous."

"What does a fashionable criminal always make sure they have a lot of? Accessories"

"Little boy has diarrhea and tells his mom he needs viagra Mom replies "" What the hell for?"" Boy replies ""Isn't that what you give dad when his shit doesn't get hard?"""

"As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel."

"What do you get for the man who has everything? Penicillin"

"If someone on the Windows team at Microsoft gets fired... would you say they've been defenestrated?"

"[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets] ""Scorpio's drink water when they're thirsty"" OMG THIS IS SO ME"

"Most of my sextapes are on DVD.. except for that gay one where I Blu-Ray."

"you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous"

"I hope this free massage guy from craigslist is on time."