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Joke of the Day

"Name your child autocorrect, because eventually they'll just finish your sentences and correct you every chance they get too."

"Why are gluten-free children so healthy? Because they're not inbred."

"How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it."

"Wish the trash would take me out for once."

"'Brexit' to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium."

"I am at my most drunk when I go from chat room to chat room yelling WHO STOLE MY POPTART!!"

"My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear....He also sells shampoo."

"A new musical artist... Another blond this time. Miranda Lambert"

"Colonel Mustard. In the kitchen. Eating soup. Calm down."

"What do you call a Muslim optician who doesn't give a fuck about his patients? Asif Eyecare"