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Joke of the Day

"I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off. It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts."

"My mum always told me it's better out than in... But my uncle always told me that it's better in than out."

"Why is it called an ""almond"" in the tree but an ""amond"" when it falls to the ground? When it falls to the ground, it knocks the 'ell out of it."

"First grade teacher asks student what the plural of horse is ""Pregnant whores?"""

"Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?"

"I heard a swimmer shout ""Help shark help!! I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!"

"A guy goes to get a physical... The doctor says ""Sir, you have to stop masturbating."" ""Why?"" ""Because I'm trying to give you a physical."""

"thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried..."

"Being a bachelor is dangerous. I pulled a groin muscle while getting out of bed. Over and over and over...."

"There was a race between a group of gays and a group of lesbians. Who do you think got there first? The lesbians, because they got there lickety-split while the gays were still packing their shit."