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Joke of the Day

"Oh, your account is protected? What do you tweet? Nuclear launch codes?"

"Count Dracula survived on the blood of 18 year old virgins for Millennia... He died last year."

"I'm going to protect my tweets on Christmas this year so Santa can't ""know when I'm not sleeping or know when I'm awake."" Take that!"

"Do NOT look under a teenage boy's bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing. - two things I've learned the hard way"

"I've decided my left testicle is my favorite It's more down to earth.."

"If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I. - dead people"

"What do you call a fish who works for the government? An Official."

"Okay, calm down. It's a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!"

"Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable."

"What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle? A dead poodle with an 18 inch wide asshole."