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Joke of the Day

"Me: do you like bad boys? Her: no Me: are you sure? Her: [covers her dog's ears] okay yes"

"What did the table fan say to his boss when he couldn't get to work on time? Ah-so-late!"

"This girl told me that she wouldn't sleep with me if I was the last person on Earth. If I was the last person on Earth, she wouldn't have a choice in the matter."

"Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real"

"I got arrested while jamming on my guitar.. Apparently, I was fingering A Minor."

"What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? The pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven."

"I'm gonna win that PS4 from Taco Bell tomorrow"

"My friend works in a recycling facility... And they showed me around to the can recycling area, and I wasn't to happy about it. It was soda pressing."

"She ate poison! We have to make her vomit! [everyone looks at me] [i roll my eyes and start getting naked]"

"[1st date] Me: don't let him know you're a lobster Him: we should check out my hot-tub later Me: 'yeah...sure' *nervously clicks claws*"