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Joke of the Day

"[1st date] Me: don't let him know you're a lobster Him: we should check out my hot-tub later Me: 'yeah...sure' *nervously clicks claws*"

"I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff."

"If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul."

"REQUIRED : A content developer. Salary commensurate with contentment"

"What did the koalas say after getting in a fender bender? Eucalyptus."

"On Family Guy, why is the Griffen's internet so slow? They only have one meg."

"Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I'm not keepin some commie cat"

"My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma."

"Your college degree doesn't mean you're smart, it just means you're in debt."

"I recently wrote a book about poltergeists.... They're flying off the shelves!!! (Credit goes to jimmy Carr on that one)"