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Joke of the Day

"The last time I checked, I was a weirdo. Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo."

"[Dr.] ""Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you'll die"" *slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth* ""Don't do it"" *eats cheese* *dies*"

"Damn Girl Do You Work At Subway? Cause you're making me a foot long."

"I can still party like I'm 22. Too bad I recover like I'm 82."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! An author ! An author who ? An author joke like this and I'm off !"

"What's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a 4-year old child? Eric Clapton never would have let his bag of coke fall out a 53rd-story window!"

"I think I've lost an electron. Ion a minute, are you positive?"

"If I'm ever in an accident while driving and tweeting and you're the first person to arrive on the scene, grab my phone and press ""Send."""

"It was hard until I came into Faith and found bliss She was kind of pissed when she realized I wasn't using a condom though..."

"So my brother is dating a mermaid. Yeah, apparently their relationship's on the rocks."