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Joke of the Day

"People with Tourette's would be great to take to improv shows where they take audience suggestions."

"Memo to Life: Fewer lemons. More cherries. Thanks!"

"How do you make a hormone Stamp on her foot"

"My girlfriend and I are so different... I exist and she doesn't."

"Why did the mathematician celebrate 4/20 on January 5? Because he knows how to reduce fractions."

"They always tell me, ""Measure twice. Cut once""... ...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by."

"Me: ""you hang up"" Her: ""no you hang up"" Me: ""no you hang up"" Her: ""no y-"" Jail clerk: ""sir, you only get one phone call."""

"Everybody knows that door handles spread disease but when I started a business to clean them and called it Knob Jobs all I got were creepy phone calls."

"The blonde tip-toed near the medicine cabinet so that she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. This is not a joke, ambien serious!"

"My friend broke one of his bones in a funny accident. It was humerus."