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Joke of the Day

"They always tell me, ""Measure twice. Cut once""... ...but they never say which of the two measurements I should use to cut by."

"Danke for calling Germany. To order beer, press 1. To order weapons, press 2. To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2."

"My life is like r/jokes It's the same thing everyday"

"If E.A made an alphabet. Do you think if E.A made an alphabet they would make a free betabet then release the the betabet as an alphabet?"

"[at Applebees on Christmas] God: Your food good? Jesus: Ya, it- *a crowd of servers surrounds them* Jesus: You didn't... HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y"

"What Is The Difference Between Jews and Pizza Jews scream in the oven. I'm going to hell."

"Why did the clothing store close? The employees where slacking off."

"Why are Subway footlongs only 11 inches? Because Jared likes his meat in smaller buns."

"Dear sneeze, if you're gonna happen, happen. Don't put a stupid look on my face and then just leave."

"Deer What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no idea What do you call a deer with no legs no eyes and no dick? Still no fucking ides"