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Joke of the Day

"An alcoholic goes to the doctor.. The doctor diagnoses the man and says ""You have alcohol poisoning."" The man replies, ""I am going to find and KILL the person who poisoned my drinks!"""

"What's the fastest liquid on earth? Milk. It's pasteurized before you can even see it."

"Honesty is the best policy, unless you're trying to return something that you've already worn."

"If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech."

"Knock knock (Me -Knock knock) (You-Whos there) (Me-Dew) (You-Drew who) (Me-Drew pecock) Say it fast ^"

"What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!"

"A lot of things can be preserved in alcohol. My dignity is not one of them."

"I don't see why we're worried about running out of resources. I mean, how many people can there be in the world? Like a million?"

"""Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan's sex/ Manafort, Putin's pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn't start the fire..."""

"[Excavation for dino bones] DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG! DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I'll finish up"